Decision fatigue… I was there 2 months ago so where does that leave me now? One day I may look back on this time and say it was a gift to pack up our family of 5, move 8.5 hours south, and re-set up a home during this pandemic. It was something to do. Questions are at least different now: What school are we ‘going’ to? What church? What is going to be my role in the ministry we just moved to be a part of?
Whether you have moved or not, everyone is now faced with all these questions and evaluating what level of involvement they are comfortable with due to the pandemic. How do we make all these decisions using godly wisdom and not allow ourselves to be driven by fear? If we want our faith to inform the way we live we must try wrestle with this question, so how do we do it?
I definitely don’t claim to have all the answers, I guess I am just crazy enough to stumble through and write about it…ha!! I think the same handles I spoke about in March that I was using to get from one day to the next, are the same ones that will help me today. I just stopped practicing them along the way. Journaling my most honest response to the questions
- What are you angry about?
- What are you sad about?
- What are you anxious about?
- What are you glad about?
Guys I literally just made myself slow down, dig deep, and answer these questions. #1 You know what I am angry about, that we are still in this thing and there was never the ‘relief’ we thought the summer might bring before the second wave that was to be this fall. #2 I am so saddened by the fact that our closure to our time in TN was tainted with (necessary) corona precautions and our beginning here is Florida has so many extra layers and physical distance between us and our new community. As if starting over in a new place isn’t hard enough. #3 I am anxious about making right decisions. Making choices that will cost my kids, my husband, our family dearly either in the present or in the years to come. So many decisions, so little information to be trusted, a fear-filled combo!
But you know this last question helps me breath, it helps me rest, it helps me bow and sit in the presence of the Lord. But without digging for an honest answer on 1-3 I don’t know if you will get to the fruit of question 4.
You know what I am glad about? I am so glad (feels trite to use this word) I am not in control. I am glad that the Lord is on the throne and nothing I chose to do or not do will change this reality. I am so thankful the Lord is writing my kids stories, my story, our story. He does not make mistakes or get caught off guard. If the worst happens, I lose my husband or a child, or maybe we suffer after effects of covid that change the rest of our lives, when all is said and done God will be on the throne, here present with me/us, and He is enough. I am not at all making light of loss. I am tearfully sitting in the reality that even if the worst comes, He is big enough to hold me and all my pain and He will be enough.
Sitting in this humble place before Him is where I feel like I can make tough decisions out of wisdom and not fear. I have handed him my deepest darkest fears and then I listen to the still small voice within saying, I do feel ok with my kids going… but i don’t feel ok with… I think we make decisions for today and trust the Lord is in them. He can still stop us if He needs to. When the anxiety begins to rise, or maybe it is a daily practice, I go back to question 1, ‘What are you angry about?’ And proceed through the inventory to fight for what is really going on in my heart.
I do not offer a quick fix or a one size fits all answer to making all the decisions we are faced with. But I do know we have a Lord who is longing to be with us right where we are. May we take down the walls that are separating us, our anger, sadness, and fear and sit just as we are and let the Lord love on our hearts and guide us through this time. He is the only one who knows the way through and how this thing is going to end. May you enjoy some time with Him today.
The Road We Are On 