Where We Grow

My desire has been to write a post on how we grow in a place of unconditional self-friendship and kindness. It often happens that you get the chance to practice what you want to preach.

I found out last week one of my kids needs to be gluten free. My grandfather (95yrs old), my favorite person on the planet, is having surgery on Thursday. The local elementary school has some desperate needs that I could fill. My husband and I had another trip through our crazy cycle. I am feeling the weight of some emotional taxation of kids (vs. physical when they are mere babes). I need to be posting on this blog regularly if I want it to be anything…what do I want it to be?

I have so many thoughts and feelings on all of the above. And I can confidently say I have not been living from a place of unconditional self- friendship and kindness.

I have caught myself a few times beating myself up about how I wish I would have responded to a kid, wondering if I should have said more to stop this surgery on Thursday, or my heart just hurting thinking of how my boy is going to miss out on some experiences in life because he can’t have gluten.

Why is it so much easier to live in a place of self-condemnation even self-loathing? It is oddly a much more comfortable place to be sometimes. I am noticing there is so much fear holding me in this bad place. Fear that I am not enough. Fear that things wont turn out the way I desperately want them to. These fears capture my brain and try to snuff out any hope and light of truth.

The Lord is showing me that this is the same battle that has been happening from the beginning of time in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve feared they were not enough. They needed to be like God so they ate the fruit. I want to stop eating the fruit. God literally moved Heaven and Earth and became one of us so I could get this truth: I am enough. I am worthy. This is the place from which growth and maturity in Christ happen.

Lord please show me when I am self- sabotaging. I want more than anything to grow closer to your heart and be molded into your likeness. Show me when I am wrapped up in my fears and condemning myself. Help me to recognize this infertile soil and repent. May I turn towards your gracious open arms and run to you.