Boundaries Part 2

Remember the goal of all boundaries is to be able to love others better. See previous post for #1-4 and an introduction to boundaries.

5. In good, loving, intimate relationships truth and grace must both be present. This is hard balance to find but we must try if we want to love others well.

The truth often hurts before it heals. Because of this we often hold back the truth of who we are and what we really think and feel. When we do this it is called ‘de-selfing.’ What inevitably happens is we stop liking and wanting to be around the person that we are de-selfing with. It takes courage to show up and just be yourself and speak the truth in love. But if you really want to have a loving relationship with this person you must learn to share yourself with them.

I have a few friends in a text message group that I simply say something like, ‘Pray for me to be myself. I am going to be spending time with ______.’ I report back victories both small and large and areas where I struggled to be honest with who I am. If you don’t have friends who can be your people in your corner ask the Lord to give you some. This isn’t a journey we can do alone.

6. I try to watch for bitterness and resentfulness in my life. They can be my best teachers for when a boundary is needed. The Lords asks for us to be cheerful givers, to not give reluctantly or out of compulsion (2 Cor. 9:7). This leads to the idea of giving cleanly vs. uncleanly. Boundaries can help us give cleanly, cheerfully. If bitterness and resentfulness are present it is often because I have not set healthy boundaries around myself. I then proceed to ask, what needs to happen for me to give this cleanly? How can I, if at all, give this cleanly/cheerfully?

7. How do I protect myself from being sucked into the emotions of the people around me? What does a healthy boundary look like in this case? (Guys I really struggle with this. Especially in regards to my kids/parenting.) Am I going to react vs. respond? I can empathize with others in their situation but I get to chose who I want to be and how I respond. Do I want to react and be the angry yelling mom? Not any more! The thoughts and feeling of those around me and even my own thoughts and feelings should be considered but ultimately my values need to inform me on how to respond. I am in control of who I want to be and how I love others.

So again the question are: Am I going to react vs. respond to the situation? Can I let my values inform me on how to respond or am I going to react to the feeling and thoughts of those around me?

When we are in a bad place mentally we…

The 3-Ps

1. Take things Personally.

2. Let this situation Permeate and effect other areas of our lives.

3. Shift to an idea of Permanence. Things are always going to be this way.

However in a good place we can…

1. Own what is mine to own.

2. Be aware that how people treat me is more about them than it is about me.

If we can start recognizing we are in a bad metal space, stop the progression of the 3Ps, set up a boundary where I own my own stuff but let you carry yours… what a freeing way to live! I see how it can lead to more love! Please Lord, by your grace do this in me!

There is so much more to be said about boundaries and there are some great resources out there to push you to next steps. If anything stirred in you when you read this, please seek out these resources. We will flourish and grow in our relationships when we take control of our own lives because then we are free to love.

Resources:

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Boundaries: When to say YES, When to say NO, To Take Control Of Your Life by Cloud and Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend

Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Converstion You‘ve Been Avoiding By Cloud and Townsend

Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Four Emotions that Control You by Andy Stanley