Boundaries Part 1

Traditionally, I think there is a negative connotation with the word ‘boundary’ as soon as we hear it. However, I think a shift is coming in our culture, inside and outside of the church, where we are all longing for someone to tell us how to make the crazy stop and regain control of our lives where chaos and anxiety can roam so freely. Implementing boundaries in our relationships is a key part in this process.

I just received an amazing teaching on boundaries and I am excited to look in my life and see where I am giving my power away. Where am I feeling resentment, anger, anxiety, or avoiding a person or situation? Is there a boundary that I can put in place so I can live in freedom and love others better?

You see the whole point of boundaries is so that we can truly love others. Setting boundaries has everything to do with me, not you. If I am letting you cross a boundary of mine, that is on me. I need to take control of my own life and verbalize my boundary/limit and make sure it is respected. I can even state the consequences if my boundary is crossed. Only when I have been honest with who I am and what I need can I be free enough to love you with all that I am.

So with the ultimate goal of being able to love others better, here are a few thoughts on boundaries… (I had more thoughts than I expected so I made a Second Post with #5-7. Be sure to check it out!)

1. You are NOT responsible for other people’s actions, ideas, fears, words, mistakes, beliefs, or the consequences of their actions. You are just responsible for your own actions, ideas, fears, etc. Re-read this list slowly. Isn’t that a relief! Just soak that in and let all those burdens that aren’t yours wash away! We are only in charge of ourselves!

2. A boundary is something that you place on yourself. Use ‘I’ statements if at all possible. ‘I am going to…,’ ‘I need to…,’ ‘I am not ok with…,’ ‘I cannot…,’ ‘I can no longer…’

3. There are a lot of needs out there. Galatians 6:2 says we are to bare or carry one another’s burdens. Burdens are big boulders in life like a death in the family or a cancer diagnosis. Reach out and love on those folks. Help them carry their burdens. Galatians 6:5 goes on to say, ‘each one should carry their own load.’ This is where I get snagged ALL the time! I start picking up other peoples’ ‘loads’ because I want to help them, but THAT ISN’T MINE TO DO!!! I am such an enabler and over-functioner. Enneagram 2’s, we are not the only ones who do this but we are experts in this field. We all need to inquire of the Lord asking if something is a burden we need to help carry or is it just a load that someone needs to carry on their own. Have a filtering question of ‘Is this mine to do?’ posted on doors and mirrors if you struggle with this.

If you need extra motivation to stop carrying others loads, then know that ultimately you are hurting them. You are preventing them from maturing into the man or woman God intended them to be… that stings a little but is so true. Love them by stop doing for them what they can do for themselves.

4. “You can’t get pizza from McDonalds.” This is one of my favorite lines from my counselor and friend Marla DeLong. It doesn’t matter what you do, you cannot get pizza from McDonalds. You can ask nicely, beg, plead, pitch a fit, etc. but you will never get pizza from McDonalds. I have spent years trying to get pizza from McDonalds. I have tried so many different approaches, tactics, held my breath longing to get something from someone that they can’t give me. The truth is some relationships are hamburger relationships and I need to go get pizza from somewhere else. We cannot change other people or how they chose to love and treat us. But with the Lord’s help we can change ourselves and grow into the fullness of who he has made us to be.

**Check out the Next Post for #5-7 and a list of resources to learn more!